Haven't been updated for a long time. Every since school started, Been busy all over. I want to hang out more with friends.. also at the same time, i want to get involve in my CCAs. Sometime i can't bring myself to fall in love, Or else, i won't have anytime for all those i want to be in.

I can't bring myself into a relationship. Cause i believe they will love me more then i love them.
There is a lot of things that i can't. People expect me that i will be with him. I admit, he is a nice guy caring guy that i do like a bit which i haven't be honest with myself. But seeing him like that waiting for me, i feel that as if I'm pulling him down. Which i can't bring that happen. Maybe i care too much. Maybe its suppose to happen like that. Also at the same time, I want to feel loved too. I want to feel the warmness in my heart. I want the care from people that love me. But then, This is too selfish for me. Cause i know i can't do the same thing back to them. That's why i can't bring myself back to love or in a relationship.

Its quite embarrassing to let people know who i like. Cause maybe for their thinking, i won't like any guys. Having so much time of heart broken and losing love ones is painful, i admit. But i know it doesn't mean i can't give others a chance right? Its just seems that I'm contradicting myself too much. I care for others more then i care for me. I think for others more i think for me. But still, i think that its still early for me having a boyfriend in this school now. I don't know them much. They might have two face which i never even know.

I know i have been giving people attitude much due to I'm not happy with who they are or how they are. I believe there is people who isn't very happy with me also. I'm not perfect. I know, I don't expect much from myself besides results in exams. People may think I'm cool and knows everything. But their wrong. I have my own weakness. Which i don't want to show to anyone. I was hoping that this year i won't cry because of people. Yet, one particular guy made me cry unknowing.

Maybe I'm over protective over a little things. I'm sorry that i gave attitude to him even though i know he care for me. He asked if i want him to come over and accompany me when i had quarrels with my friend, yet i shouted at him saying no. He cared about me saying what if i'm left alone and something happen to me. Yet i replied him saying that i don't care if i'm alone anot. If i'm alone, then let it be. I know his a bit angry when i said that. But i really can't help it that i can't find anything to vent anger on. He was always there whenever things happen to me and stuff. He does understand me. But the only thing that he doesn't understand me is, I am not keen to get into relationship. He don't understand how i really feel towards this things. I don't blame him. Cause i wasn't very honest with him from the start.

I really want to smile all i want. Just let me be happy for this time. Just this time....