Have been working three day straight.
Met new friends.
Have fun with them.
Only some have been a trouble-maker to me.
Retards and never grow up.

Work three days straight.
5+7+16 = 28
28 hours of work which is $ 5.50
Which means i've earn $154 only.
Tomorrow working 8 to 6.
Which means 10 hours.
$154 + $55 = $209.
It doesn't seems enough.
It seems like i've been working for SO long.
But this is what i get.

His birthday is drawing near.
I've got no idea what to do.
I've got no idea what should i say to him.
The stuff he wish to happen on his birthday.
It just seems so hard for me to fulfill his wish.
I just couldn't do it.
He was disappointed.
I know this all along. Yet i just want to act tough.
I don't know what i want now.
I don't know how to face him now.

3 month drawing near.
Its only 3 months yet i'm already thinking to giving up.
How useless can i be.
Its even less then 100 days.
How long of us being together, Doesn't bother him.
He wish to last long now.
He is full of confident now.
Yet i'm lack of confident to be with him.
I've lost track.
I've lost my way to find my confident now.
I got no idea what should i tell him.
I got no idea what should i say.
Words like ' i love you ' ' i miss you ' ' Muack '.
Its just deceiving us.
I got no idea what you're thinking.
You got no idea what am i thinking either.

Thinking if you were to break with me again.
How am i going to react?
Will i call you again to prevent us to break again?
What will i do if that really happen?
Or if you were to break with me,
it will the official and no turning back already?
Is it good that i start thinking so much now?
Or its just a bad feeling for me.

Tell me my dear.
Tell me what should i do.
I don't like to tell you using my mouth.
So i shall just wait for you to read my blog again.

Yesterday was a close call.
We nearly break up.
Which made my mind blank for a second.

I don't want to leave you yet.
I don't want to break up with you.
I don't mind not meeting you.
I don't mind if you go out with your friends.
I just want you to continue to love me.

It sadden me to know this happen.
I don't know how should i react.
I don't know what am i going to do next.
I don't know whether to cry or just smile.

All i know i love you.
All i know is that i don't want to leave you.
All i know is that i need you.

I know what kind of person you were from the start.
So do you of knowing what kind of girl i was.
I believe in you and trust you.

You said to give each other one month.
To give us one more chance.

It reminds me when how we're together.
I told you that lets try one month, with the promise of you loving me.
Also you keep hoping that i'll forget about the one month.
Now is my turn. Hoping that you'll forget.
Continue how we use to be.
I really hope.

Three days just pass like that.. I already miss them and also him...17 of my relatives came over to my house and stay.

I've been tolerating one after another one.
You use your words or saying that,
' why can't you CHOSE express and go normal stream? '
' Why are you so stupid? '
' Why can't you go poly and have to go ITE?'
' Why cannot go Jc? '

Its been four years, after i got my result of PSLE.
I got 109/200. Top in Em3 for my school.
Having so happy and ready to show off to my mother.
When i got home and tell her i got 109 and top in class,
Yet she reply me, ' 109 only, just pass, you think you very good is it? '
After that, she never say anything about it anymore.

Untill now, yesterday eating dinner.
My dad said all this to me.
Thinking that he is always right.
Thinking that ITE is the end of everything.
Thinking that i'm useless.

Now, Just because of a stupid fax machine,
I got scolded stupid.
I told her that the room phone isn't working properly,
as can't see the first few number. So i just pick up.
and ended up it is a fax that i didn't know about it.
Got scolded that this kind of thing need to think.
Got scolded that i'm stupid untill don't know when to pick up or not.
Just because of a fax machine.

All i do is just keep quiet to myself.
All i do is just cry in my own room.

I really had it enough of this.. I really..

Two months just gone like that.
We didn't even go out once this month.
Just hang out for a moment and off we go.

I admit that i do miss him.
I admit i miss those past.
Just a day with him, makes me feel so happy.
Everytime, to make sure i'm holding on the feeling,
I'll just convince myself that he still love of what he said in the past.
Now when i think about it, seems to fake to me now.

We haven't really contact after my papers and his papers were finish.
He hasn't call for don't know how many days when he calls everyday.
Telling me he was busy the whole time, yet i try to convince myself that is about Dota.
If this continue, it will seems to be an empty-relationship.
Its like for the sake of being together. Don't care so much.
Even if he gets another girl outside. I could careless.
THAT is if this continue.

He wants to know every single thing about me,
like why do i have such a phobia of going to boyfriend's house.
Everyone knows what will happen if you and your boyfriend in the room right?
He done it before, so he might do it again.
He may think its nothing, For me, i think its something to me.
Things don't seems to the same already.
It doesn't seems like the sweet days we had.
It seems like we're drifting apart.

Just when, i'm trying to depend on him,
Thing turn out not right.
No idea what is he busy with.
No idea where he gone to.
If he don't bother about me,
Why should i be bothering about him?

Empty relationship,
Empty promises,
Empty heart....

Yesterday was the last paper.
Happy yet Sad.
Happen so fast. Didn't had a real last moment.
I miss them now. I miss them so much.
Those days we were together.
Having those up and downs.
Having each other.
I'm really so happy to have them.
Without them, I have no idea how will i be like.

I love the girls.
I love my darling.
I love every single people i know.
Thank you for giving me this memory.
Thank you for everything.
Loves you guys alot..

Sometime i just can't stop myself to whine at you for your attention.
Sometime i just can't help it to give you the tone of ' i don't want '

But i want to say is that i really love you.
And i don't know if you do.

You know my phobia before i knew.
You know what i want to do when i didn't say.
You know how am i angry with you when you knew it all along.
As you want to see my angry face.

I know you care.
I know you love me.
I know i'm afraid to go out with your friends.

But... Do you know God is there helping us?
Angel guard us?
And the Devil are scared away?
Just because they want us to get protected.
In either way or us being together or not.

I feel so lost.
Everytime i'm on the phone with you, i feel so happy, forget every sad moments.
When we hung up, I'll start to think again.
What do you think about me?
What am i to you?
what do you treat me as?

All sorts of question just pop out.
At times, I will even have the imagination of you betray me.
I know thinking this doesn't help.
But this is how insecure i feel.

Maybe i was too innocent in the past that i won't think about it.
Now i've grown up and learn.
I tried not to care about you too much.
For the sake of our 'break up' future.
For the sake of my heart won't hurt so much.
For the sake of me not getting depress.

I don't know is it true that you actually read my blog,
But this is how i feel all along.
Sometime i wonder,
What is important to you now?

Being selfish at this time,
Maybe i just feel too much pressure due to N level.
When i need some one so much,
I always hope it will be you...
Always ended, It was someone else.
When this happen, i always thinking of,
is it worth it for me to wait for you all this time?

When i just want to hear those words that comfort me.
I always hope that it will you to say it to me.
Always ended up, someone else that is always there for me.
When i wanted to call or need you so much, I always think what are you doing...
Thinking if you're having fun and i called that could spoil your mood.

Tell me if i said this that is not true to you.
I really don't know.
I felt like, I don't know who are you at all.
All i know is your name, age, DOB , School.
That's all. I don't know how you are like at times,
I don't know how you were in the past.
I don't know your thinking at all.

Buddy every time ask me to talk to you to distress.
And every time i'll say, ' I don't know what is he doing and he didn't contact me or ask me how i feel. So i don't want to contact him to spoil his day.'
Continued, Do you really love him? And does he really love you?
What should i answer?
Now, i feel that words come from every where, Seems so fake to me.
Nothing seems real to me now.
I don't feel confident as much as i do in the past.
I don't know now...
Tell me.. Tell me.. tell me what can i do now...

I feel so depress, dear...
Help me..