arh!! i'm so damn tired today.. i thought there will be having training in the morning.. so i woke up early. then just to check with my friends.. i msg adelene and sonia. to see there is training anot. then they say DON"T HAVE!!! ARH!! MAKE ME WAKE UP SO EARLY!!.. lols ,, never mind.. then met evan and accompany her to her boyfriend's school [funfair] when we reach there. i was so shock lor!! i thought it will be a nice building or something.. but is look like a primary school lor!! somemore is a JC school leh!! can u believe that?! lols. then i was so damn hot.. was wear a jacket.. die die also won't took it of as i was wearing table tennis shirt. look so damn walking around la.. but i hack care la. lols. then at 3+ i took a taxi to tpy. was afraid to be late.. then when i reach there.. was so sian lor.. walk here and there.. in the end.. first match i lost.. lols. didn't go training too long liao. lols. then like that lor.. lols.. then wait all the way to 9+ for joey's match. lols. then in the end she WON!!! happy for her. lols. then had alot of things happen ..

i'm too tired to type wad happen .. just too much happen le ba. yup? lols..onli table tennis girls will know.. lols..

hey!! ok.. i'm back to who i am le ba=D[i guess?] lols. yeah.. got some scolding by ppl.. yeah.. [sorrie to those who is worried bout me..] yeah.. today is another NEW DAY!! but have to go for training soon. got competition in the evening.. my heart is like.. wan to win wan to lose. lols. i will see my luck as i can win or not. if i win. i will continue stay till another match at 8.20. if u guess don't see mi onli by then.. means i won the match and go to another one. or maybe will stay there to support the rest yar? lols.

now is already 8.37am.. iff so tired. wan to sleep more. but just coz of my competition.. can't sleep more sial! lols. maybe after training i'll go meet evan to acconpany her to your lao gong fun fair.[jealous!] i can't comfirm with her now. as i may still have training on the afternoon.. i got this feeling. if i go training today. i'll get scolding from the coach or teacher.. but... HACK CARE!!! lols. hmm.. i'll be away from computer for 4 days..!! sad!! lols. but i'll be enjoying my camp ba.. lols. from 22-25.. must reach school early.. then on 25 will reach singapore around mid-night sial.. lols. then all of them ask their love one pick them out.. then me leh!!! have to go home alone at that late night.. sad sad!! NEVER MIND!!! I SHALL STAND ALONE AND GO HOME MYSELF! lols. i'm crazy already. lols. yeah. hmm.. will i better rush! i'm late for my training!! anything call my hp k?

u might be reading this. yeah. just hope that u're fine. yeah? *smile*

how i wish i was killed now.. yesterday i type one long msg to him. which is onli telling him half of it how i feel.. here it is....

```i don't know wad can i say to u.. i don't have the face to face u even online anymore... i've hurt u deeply.. so as i hurt myself...

u have ur family problems.. i understand.. from wad i heard from u.. i can feel your pain in me.. u might not believe it.. those who is close to me.. if they have trouble and not telling me. i can feel it. like the testimonial i wrote to u. ' i may not stop u from crying.. but i will cry with u..' u may not know i'm crying when... but i was crying everyday coz of u.. see or hear u suffer so much. let me have this pain in my heart also.

after that day.. u told me that u giving up on me. it really hurt me badly.. i cry for days.. till now.. me myself also crying.. i know now.. no matter wad happen to me. it don't bother u anymore isn't it? from the day we knew each other.. we went out together.. having fun together.. under my house the park there talking... i haven't forget bout it... my heart was thinking how i wish that will happen again.. i know i'm thinking too much... coz nothing good happen on mi before.. no wish ever came true..

i've never really love anyone from the past till u appear.. i thought u could wait for me till i was settle down my stuff.. i didn't know it will ended like this.. i really don't wish to happen like this also.. till i heard from ka ka .. saying that u wasn't who u were are last time.. it lead me to worry..

today.. i sms u.. 'do u still have feelings for me... ' and yet u reply to me the msg ' i don't have it anymore'... so u are trying to tell me that u actually have a crush on me instead of loving me? i really don't know wad turn u into like that.. all i knw.. that time.. u ask me happily and so steadly.. and yet i reply u don't know.. i know i hurt u deeply.. i was happy u ask. but sad that. it wasn't time yet.. i cried when we were on the phone.. that's why i didn't say anything.. i thought u understand me.. how stress i was in that time.. till that time u were treating me coldly. i already sense something like u going to give up.. every day i'll cry.. losing someone i love very much like my grandma already hurt deeply.. now i have to lose another one.. i don't know how much more hurt i'll get.. i really don't know..

i guess.. this will be the last time we will be talking already.. since ur're like that. i don't know wad can i do also.. maybe it will make our friendship worst. but is up to your thinking already...

zesuan...``

after that. he came and ask mi am i ok anot,.. OF COZ I'M NOT OK LA!!! don't even know how hurt i was.. haix.. i'm so lost.. i really don't know who i am now.. i don't know which is my true self.. the me in school.. or the me at home? onli si hao know wad i mean.. i know hurting myself is no use.. but i just don't know why i do it. hurting mi myself..

i'm so lost.. i really don't know wad should i do.. no one can help mi.. ppl comfirm will just tell mi toe forget bout it.. but i just can't.. its not easy to.. if i can forget him so easily.. i don't think this call love already.. this call 'crush' . i really don't know.. i'm so hurt in my heart. i don't know wad more can i do now..

okey.. i don't know wad can i say now. at this time. i'm trying to hold on. and he is telling me that he giving up? does he even know how hurt i am. haix. i also don't wan to make him anymore trouble. i shall just respect his discision he made ba. all those time we spend today. i'll never forget. even though this happen in the end. i'm still happy to know them. i really don't know wad to do now. maybe wad i've said is ryt. loving each other. doesn't mean and to be together. and since he say he giving up. guess is i'm the one who is loving him ba. i really don't know wad to say now. i feeling real down. life still have to go on . we can't change anything else..

yesterday went to hui min birthday party[bbq]. before go there. i had some meeting with the councils bout planning of the post exam activity. starting we were crapin around. but after that we start to think. we try to make it hard for them. as evil thinking as we can. but try to make it fun for them too.! after planning for sec ones.. our brain turn blank for sec two and threes. lols. after that. we think of watching some funny movie and stuff. it might get to be abit boring. but we just can't think of anything le. after that. i went off half way to meet mei chin and yu wen.. thought it will be such a suffer to travel with them. but i was wrong. yu wen was kinda nice ba. but sometimes. she do stuff without thinking. we took bus. and talk lots of crap. then found out that the bus reach marine square. we have to alight. then we don't know how to go. and decided to take taxi go.

when we reached there. its like no one is there. onli saw sherman, feng ying and bernard. then we called hui min they all come back. after that we were walking around... riding bike and eating. lols. after that. eugene they all came. not having much fun though.. they play their own stuff.. we do our stuff. at least most of them have their own happy things to do. but me? troubled. worried and sad... i wished he was with me that time. at least we can talk somethings. haix.. missing him so badly. i told him i miss him so much that day.. the reply he gave me was,.. don't miss me too much.. later get love sick.. i don't know wad can i do also. i've made him become like that. i wish he will be back how he was. how sweet he was. after that time he ask me.. a word 'don't know' can hurt me and him so much and make us turn to moodless and sad most of the time. haix. i don't know what can i do now. moodless all day long. nothing to do all day long. all i just wish for is that he will be back to how i know him from the start. and we can start all over again. tears may just roll down .. but.. i just wan him to be happy... that's all wad i wish for ...for now..

well, just finish my mid-year exam. i totally flang my exams. haix. pass few days.. alot of things have been happening around. me with my parents, april with her dad and ain plus her boyfriends! haix. i don't know. i really don't know. all i feel is that things are going harder and harder for me. i just feel that. i've been helping ppl and make them to be happy. but wad about me? who will help me and make me happy? i help april in she and her dad and some misunderstanding between with ain. and now their ok. wad did she help me? roy have his own problem. i don't wan to add things in his heart. but i really... i really don't know who can help me now. i feel so lonely. i really don't know how to express myself out. haix. i really don't know how. i feel so hopeless crying. but. i really don't know wad can i do....

here i am. typing another blog of mine. how troubledd i am. how lost i've been. but seems that no one know bout it. i really don't know wad to say now. its like. i'm so stress now. with studies. ccas. council. and even church. no one seems to help mi such as tell mi advise. i told a friend of mine bout this. bbut wad he told mi? bout how he is at secondary life. it doesn't help mi in anyways. and now? the guy who i like. now that he like mi too. and i didn't accpet him. ppl may thing i'm that stupid . but i just can't do any decisions ryt now. i'm such a lost girl ryt now. don't know wad can i do now. ka ka keep ask mi to try to be with him. i wan to be with him. with a light heart. and not a heavy heart. i wan a good relationship for the start. i don't wish to start anything unpleasent. i really wish he can give mi more time to calm myself down.

the way he ask mi for being his girlfriend. is like. i'm touch wad he said to me. he said this. ' ze suan, i love u very much. are you willing to be part of my life?' i was touch. but i start to cry. and wad i reply him is ' like each other doesn't mean have to be together. i can't give u an answer from my mouth but u know that i love u. hope that u can wait for me. if u can't. its ok. i don't wan to demand much.

after that. pass few days on the phone have been talking bout that. but it lead me of unhappiness. moodless. ka ka keep saying stuff as if its easy for me. asking mi to give a try to be with him. he don't know and won't know how i feel now. i told him my problem but turn out he don't understand. like today. roy was feeling unwell.. i knew. but i can't do anything but just ask him to go home and take a rest. then kaka ask mi to go over to take care of him. its like. where he live? and where i am now? early in the morning. kaka, roy and me already moodless. if we meet up. we will be moodless still. everytime is ka ka who made me cry. he talk as if he is me. he don't know me well. he have no ryts to say me. its like. roy sick. i have to take care of him. i'm sick also. why can't he come over to talk care also? i know. even if we're together, we will have to take care of each other. but sometimes. we have to take care of our ownself. we can't rely on someone forever. haix. i don't know wad can i do now. i don't wish to be crying everyday coz of the same things. i don't wish to cry. but things kaka said. he made me feel that its no use how i feel coz he won't understand . he is just wasting my time. sometime i feel like go and time him that ' words and hurt and kill people'

told tiffany this. she also seems not to understand . telling her. she give mi things of not encouragement but words and sentence that think she is ryt all along but she can't control how she is now. to say the truth. i don't know how long can i hold on annd torlerate her attiude. she can't be alone just like me. but. does she know wad is she doing?! haix. i don't know and don't wish to continue this. like i say. words can kill and hurt ppl..