how i wish i was killed now.. yesterday i type one long msg to him. which is onli telling him half of it how i feel.. here it is....

```i don't know wad can i say to u.. i don't have the face to face u even online anymore... i've hurt u deeply.. so as i hurt myself...

u have ur family problems.. i understand.. from wad i heard from u.. i can feel your pain in me.. u might not believe it.. those who is close to me.. if they have trouble and not telling me. i can feel it. like the testimonial i wrote to u. ' i may not stop u from crying.. but i will cry with u..' u may not know i'm crying when... but i was crying everyday coz of u.. see or hear u suffer so much. let me have this pain in my heart also.

after that day.. u told me that u giving up on me. it really hurt me badly.. i cry for days.. till now.. me myself also crying.. i know now.. no matter wad happen to me. it don't bother u anymore isn't it? from the day we knew each other.. we went out together.. having fun together.. under my house the park there talking... i haven't forget bout it... my heart was thinking how i wish that will happen again.. i know i'm thinking too much... coz nothing good happen on mi before.. no wish ever came true..

i've never really love anyone from the past till u appear.. i thought u could wait for me till i was settle down my stuff.. i didn't know it will ended like this.. i really don't wish to happen like this also.. till i heard from ka ka .. saying that u wasn't who u were are last time.. it lead me to worry..

today.. i sms u.. 'do u still have feelings for me... ' and yet u reply to me the msg ' i don't have it anymore'... so u are trying to tell me that u actually have a crush on me instead of loving me? i really don't know wad turn u into like that.. all i knw.. that time.. u ask me happily and so steadly.. and yet i reply u don't know.. i know i hurt u deeply.. i was happy u ask. but sad that. it wasn't time yet.. i cried when we were on the phone.. that's why i didn't say anything.. i thought u understand me.. how stress i was in that time.. till that time u were treating me coldly. i already sense something like u going to give up.. every day i'll cry.. losing someone i love very much like my grandma already hurt deeply.. now i have to lose another one.. i don't know how much more hurt i'll get.. i really don't know..

i guess.. this will be the last time we will be talking already.. since ur're like that. i don't know wad can i do also.. maybe it will make our friendship worst. but is up to your thinking already...

zesuan...``

after that. he came and ask mi am i ok anot,.. OF COZ I'M NOT OK LA!!! don't even know how hurt i was.. haix.. i'm so lost.. i really don't know who i am now.. i don't know which is my true self.. the me in school.. or the me at home? onli si hao know wad i mean.. i know hurting myself is no use.. but i just don't know why i do it. hurting mi myself..

i'm so lost.. i really don't know wad should i do.. no one can help mi.. ppl comfirm will just tell mi toe forget bout it.. but i just can't.. its not easy to.. if i can forget him so easily.. i don't think this call love already.. this call 'crush' . i really don't know.. i'm so hurt in my heart. i don't know wad more can i do now..